The Authentic Self-Put Into Practice

One night, after I had my fill of "reality" TV shows (merely a guilty pleasure, I promise) along with a cup overflowing with bitter depressants, I found myself caught in an argument with my friend's roommate. In his perspective, he was just trying to "get to know me." But when we came to discussing social activeness, he decided to lecture me and throw his views onto me as if it was the ultimate religion and that I should practice it in order to save myself. He claimed how easy it was to meet people and gain friends. I got frustrated and defended myself by taking on a “confident” personality that I have only observed on the reality shows prior to this interaction. Even though I was not “me,” whatever that is, I got my point across.

I repetitively said the phrase; “You don’t know me.” And he did NOT know me. And like others, he never will.

I never liked being called shy. But I have always been introduced as the "shy girl." For most of my life I have been labeled as this even before I had a chance to speak on my own behalf. Once a notion is tossed out there, it is hard to disprove because it tends to stick. I do admit that I am not the most social of butterflies roaming around these pavement fields but that does not entirely define me. I see myself as an introvert; I keep to myself and I am comfortable being alone. In fact, I enjoy it.

I do distance myself from people because I have been brought up to learn that you do not speak unless spoken to. Problem was, when they were the first to speak, I had no idea how to carry on the conversation because I was too afraid that my first impression would discourage them from getting to know the real me. But what is the real me? And how will they ever get the chance to know? My mother always said, "Do not embarrass yourself and above all, do not embarrass your family." Because of this, there is a sense of pride woven into everything I do, which led me to become painfully self-conscious.

We discussed in class how we fear to be judged and only want to be accepted. In order to be accepted, one would have to take on certain characteristics in order to fit in, thus masking their “true self.”  I agree that I am guilty of this as is everyone. But in my culture and the way I was raised, I mostly am committed to this act out of respect to others. It is respectful to act a certain way around strangers, family, elders, etc.

Even though it is healthier to try and understand others instead of keeping it bottled up and taking out your anger on those who don’t deserve it… It is still unfair either way. The more I try to understand others and be respectful, I feel like I never got the same in return. So why bother? Even though I am more mindful of other’s perspectives (or maybe I am too stubborn and all of this yapping is nothing), I kind of just came to the conclusion that everyone is a jerk.

Which is damn hilarious because I noticed that most of the elders back home, especially females, are very judgmental. They are not afraid to point out flaws. They speak their minds. They criticize everything and everyone. This is how I was raised. That is how my mom talks to me but I respect her nevertheless and never talked back. Samoan’s are very prideful.

Even though this pride has made me very judgmental of others, including myself, it also proved to be a useful tool for survival. Seeing that you cannot walk around thinking everyone is harmless and everything is lollipops and rainbows. Negatives will cancel out the positives in life because that is how we are wired. It is an innate human instinct, a survival skill.

I have an older sister who is what you would call, an “open book.” I honestly do not like her. The windowpane lecture made me think of her, which bothered me because according to the theory, she is merely being her authentic self. If that is the case, then I definitely do not like her “true self.” She reveals too much of her life to our family and complete strangers. That is odd to me. She is still family and I respect that but ultimately, we are complete opposites which keeps us from getting along.

When Eric acted on his self-disclosures to the entire class about dramatic parts of his past, I was speechless and frankly… confused. Other than my sister, I have never encountered people who would talk about their “private” business to others, people who they have just met. That being said, I am proud of you, Eric, for opening up. I felt like I was in a helpless position and all I wanted to do was help but I did not know how, which ironically led to doing nothing.

I understand the fact that people will judge you no matter what and if they don’t like you, oh well. Take it or leave it. I have been judged by the color of my skin, the way I talk, and the way I act. It is hard for anyone to overcome these past experiences, which leads us to believe that we are not worthy.

Although I understand this concept/theory, I am rather stifled. I am aware that I have problems but I do not feel the need to disclose certain aspects of my life to others in order to be my “authentic self.” I evaluate myself, by myself. I strive to be the best possible version of myself. I have a couple of close family members/friends that I confide in, so I don’t think I’m off track, ignorant, or conceited.

But I am open to improvements. I try my best to practice mindfulness everyday, even in the smallest tasks, such as washing dishes. I am grateful for everything. I try my absolute best to see the good in all, while still being cautious. And I am excited to learn more than I expected from this class.

Thank you,

- Amber Lesili Tennison