The Perceptual Process-Put into practice

I am not use to nice people. Growing up in Samoa, I had to go to private school because I was teased a lot for being "too white" and so I never felt accepted into my own culture. Although private school was expensive and an hour drive away from home, it pretty much saved my life.

I made close friends, I actually learned a thing or two, but above all I was not considered "too white." 

When the transfer students from off island were introduced to the class, things got a little shifty. These were my first moments being exposed to actual Americans from the mainland. I bore witness to the stereotypical meaning of being called a "palagi doi" and this time it was not directed towards me. 

With my experience, I was able to look into both perspectives of the bullies and the bullied. Most natives including myself did not get along with the transfers. We did not have a lot in common and they, especially the girls, were seen as annoying. It was not as if there were not any chances given to get to know them but in the end nothing really clicked. 

I always felt bad because if it were public school, I would be in their position. So I tried helping them fit in and feel welcomed but honestly I could not stand most. These experiences, sensations, might have wired my brain to organize situations and evaluate most white people to be annoying snobs, basically the stereotypical "blonde." And with that, I notice that I tend to associate a lot of things just because of a few bad experiences. 

That being said, I do not hate white people. I was in the same situation as the transfers, so I understand how hard it can be. I was put into a lot of situations back on island that just so happen to involve shitty people who just so happen to be "palagi." But I also had bad experiences with Samoans. I am both white and Samoan, and people are just people. Which is why I say that I am not use to nice people. 

Whenever I meet anyone, my mind immediately starts to analyze, judge, stereotype because I am always being cautious with everyone around me. Eventually the whole socializing game becomes too much work and being a hermit sounds like the more enticing route. 

When I first met my roommate, it only helped my case of stereotyping Americans. I wish it didn't because I was actually looking forward to meeting my first college roommate. I imagined she would probably be a nerd with the same cool taste in music and we would kick it off. Next thing you know, we would be making sushi together and painting each others nails like in the tv shows. However, things did not go as I imagined. 

I checked in late around 9pm that day and when I walked into the dorm, she was already in bed. She seemed nice, very pretty and young. We got to talking a little; gave our introductions. Everything was going great. About thirty to forty minutes later, a boy poked his head out from under her sheets. I expected this kind of thing to be going on in college life but I did not expect it to happen as soon as I arrived. 

The situation only got more awkward because she never introduced her boyfriend the whole night and the days after. It was as if she expected me to be oblivious to his entire existence. She rarely talked to me unless I spoke to her so I thought she was just more shy than I was. And then she kept having her "unnamed" boyfriend over. My thought process led me to guess that students here just pretend you are not in the room. Which was hard to do because surprisingly, the boyfriend was louder and more obnoxious than she was. 

I kept wondering if I was in the wrong and that I just needed to get use to how these kids were. But eventually, I got tired of trying to understand someone who was just did not seem to share the same values. 

One day she had about five or six people in our dorm at once being loud and carrying on. The dorms are small enough as is and last time I checked it is a "shared" room. Usually I would stay in the side lines and only speak if I really needed to be heard. The problem was not because they were "too different from me." These were young kids who were being disrespectful and inconsiderate and I do not appreciate people in my living space being rude and ignoring that there is another person present. 

So I told them off in the nicest way that I was capable of in a situation where only a tiny bit of patience that I had left. I then requested a private room immediately. I figured why go through another possible roommate disaster? 

The point is, I went into this "perceptual process" with caution and an open mind because I did not want to judge someone just because of my past experiences. However I had to reevaluate her because of the new things I learned about her which helped me pass a better judgement. Even though my interpretation of her is that she is disrespectful, loud, and annoying, she is still very young and has a lot of growing up to do so I understand that I cannot view every American girl as my ex-roommate. 

The Authentic Self-Put Into Practice

One night, after I had my fill of "reality" TV shows (merely a guilty pleasure, I promise) along with a cup overflowing with bitter depressants, I found myself caught in an argument with my friend's roommate. In his perspective, he was just trying to "get to know me." But when we came to discussing social activeness, he decided to lecture me and throw his views onto me as if it was the ultimate religion and that I should practice it in order to save myself. He claimed how easy it was to meet people and gain friends. I got frustrated and defended myself by taking on a “confident” personality that I have only observed on the reality shows prior to this interaction. Even though I was not “me,” whatever that is, I got my point across.

I repetitively said the phrase; “You don’t know me.” And he did NOT know me. And like others, he never will.

I never liked being called shy. But I have always been introduced as the "shy girl." For most of my life I have been labeled as this even before I had a chance to speak on my own behalf. Once a notion is tossed out there, it is hard to disprove because it tends to stick. I do admit that I am not the most social of butterflies roaming around these pavement fields but that does not entirely define me. I see myself as an introvert; I keep to myself and I am comfortable being alone. In fact, I enjoy it.

I do distance myself from people because I have been brought up to learn that you do not speak unless spoken to. Problem was, when they were the first to speak, I had no idea how to carry on the conversation because I was too afraid that my first impression would discourage them from getting to know the real me. But what is the real me? And how will they ever get the chance to know? My mother always said, "Do not embarrass yourself and above all, do not embarrass your family." Because of this, there is a sense of pride woven into everything I do, which led me to become painfully self-conscious.

We discussed in class how we fear to be judged and only want to be accepted. In order to be accepted, one would have to take on certain characteristics in order to fit in, thus masking their “true self.”  I agree that I am guilty of this as is everyone. But in my culture and the way I was raised, I mostly am committed to this act out of respect to others. It is respectful to act a certain way around strangers, family, elders, etc.

Even though it is healthier to try and understand others instead of keeping it bottled up and taking out your anger on those who don’t deserve it… It is still unfair either way. The more I try to understand others and be respectful, I feel like I never got the same in return. So why bother? Even though I am more mindful of other’s perspectives (or maybe I am too stubborn and all of this yapping is nothing), I kind of just came to the conclusion that everyone is a jerk.

Which is damn hilarious because I noticed that most of the elders back home, especially females, are very judgmental. They are not afraid to point out flaws. They speak their minds. They criticize everything and everyone. This is how I was raised. That is how my mom talks to me but I respect her nevertheless and never talked back. Samoan’s are very prideful.

Even though this pride has made me very judgmental of others, including myself, it also proved to be a useful tool for survival. Seeing that you cannot walk around thinking everyone is harmless and everything is lollipops and rainbows. Negatives will cancel out the positives in life because that is how we are wired. It is an innate human instinct, a survival skill.

I have an older sister who is what you would call, an “open book.” I honestly do not like her. The windowpane lecture made me think of her, which bothered me because according to the theory, she is merely being her authentic self. If that is the case, then I definitely do not like her “true self.” She reveals too much of her life to our family and complete strangers. That is odd to me. She is still family and I respect that but ultimately, we are complete opposites which keeps us from getting along.

When Eric acted on his self-disclosures to the entire class about dramatic parts of his past, I was speechless and frankly… confused. Other than my sister, I have never encountered people who would talk about their “private” business to others, people who they have just met. That being said, I am proud of you, Eric, for opening up. I felt like I was in a helpless position and all I wanted to do was help but I did not know how, which ironically led to doing nothing.

I understand the fact that people will judge you no matter what and if they don’t like you, oh well. Take it or leave it. I have been judged by the color of my skin, the way I talk, and the way I act. It is hard for anyone to overcome these past experiences, which leads us to believe that we are not worthy.

Although I understand this concept/theory, I am rather stifled. I am aware that I have problems but I do not feel the need to disclose certain aspects of my life to others in order to be my “authentic self.” I evaluate myself, by myself. I strive to be the best possible version of myself. I have a couple of close family members/friends that I confide in, so I don’t think I’m off track, ignorant, or conceited.

But I am open to improvements. I try my best to practice mindfulness everyday, even in the smallest tasks, such as washing dishes. I am grateful for everything. I try my absolute best to see the good in all, while still being cautious. And I am excited to learn more than I expected from this class.

Thank you,

- Amber Lesili Tennison